What we want is not always what we need.

When I boarded the plane in Berlin I did not know what I was in for. I had walked the Camino two years ago and yet I knew this time would be different. I was nervous and could sense a wind of change blowing in my direction.

I was already tired when I arrived at the airport in anticipation of the long journey to St. Jean Pied de Port. I had decided that even if I arrived late I would start walking the next day. “No time to lose, no time to waste” I thought. 

“Camino gives what you need, not necessarily what you want”. So on this Wednesday when I arrived late in St. Jean I got what I needed, along with a tremendous headache and a lesson to learn. All I needed was rest, peace and someone to talk to, because if I was being honest I was scared … to screw up, to get lost literally and metaphorically, to fail. I thought I am on the Camino to find calm but the first lesson I learned was that I need a little calm to even start. You know, this piece of ease when you deeply trust that you are on the right track. No matter how stubborn I was, no matter how much I insisted to walk the next day I had to understand that my body and me were not on the same page. It was this headache and my decision to stay longer that started my Camino in the best direction possible; a direction of change. 

Andrew invited me spontaneously to the extra day. So, I had the chance to sleep enough to rest my body. I got good vegetarian food to nourish my vessel and my soul and I got a guided meditation that gave me some sort of direction and ease my fears. A moment to reflect on the decisions that got me here.

This significant Meditation was characterized by three phases: Releasing, Calming and meditative thinking.

I remember how much trouble I had to really let go of the things that used to hold me back. This fear to not be enough, thoughts that told me I am a failure. Whoever is reading this right now, might know what I am talking about. Did you ever try to let stuff just go? Well, I didn’t. At least not consciously. But that day I tried and it was so hard. I wished I could just scream or cry but something blocked me and I sat still. I sat in this meditation for like 40 Minutes till I found the trust to dance. If I couldn’t scream I needed to let go of these things differently. So I danced them out.

Maybe not all but enough to start my walk the next day. I did not have a clue HOW MUCH this meditation set the fundamental tone of my Camino. 

Beautiful sidenote: my decision to stay longer not only gave me the basis for my walk it gave me a later starting day which allowed me to meet Luca the next day, while eating breakfast. Luca and me became more than friends, we became creative partners. Only because the Camino gave me what I needed rather than what wanted. 

Now on my way, I had to face the fact that there were many more things to let go of than only the few things I danced out. It was in the middle of the Meseta, in the heat of noon that I finally and quite suddenly felt the tremendous desire to scream as loud as possible. It took me fourteen days of reflection and confrontation till I could do that. I looked behind me and in front of me. It was just me and the parched July countryside. I screamed, again and again and again and cried. I cried. I let go and only when I stopped I understood that my phase of releasing had now ended. 

I came to my personal conclusion that my Camino was a long, beautiful meditation. Just as I had that day before I started. Whatever blocked me, that evening in St.Jean was gone. It took me fourteen days to walk it off and finally I had the space to scream me back to myself.

And then?

Silence!

Calm!

Ease!

I was flying. I found myself in a peaceful state of mind where nothing could irritate me. Yes, walking is so much more than just putting one step after another. We humans can walk to let go. We walk towards ourselves and if we do it with gratitude and consciousness we will arrive to a much more beautiful place than Santiago.

We would arrive in our hearts.

I am so happy that Andrew gave me the opportunity to see my Camino as a journey to me, rather than to things I want. Because again…What we want is not always what we need.